August 14, 2006

Nephew

This is a little weird, but imagine yourself in the warmest, most comfortable confines that you've ever known. You've been constantly fed, and safe. There's been no outside distractions, just the pure bliss of living and contentment. Surprisingly, you're pushed out of that warmth into a world of unknowns, new sights and sounds, and most importantly strange people.

These people are all gathered around you. Ooos and Ahhs immediately follow. Soon you're wrapped in warmth again and go from person to person. You see the warm smiles on their faces. You smile back, bringing more smiles and pleasant laughter from those around you. As you grow older you realize that those faces and smiles will be a central part of your life. They'll be there when you fall. They'll be there when you succeed. And sometimes, no matter what the circumstance, they're just there, in your heart.

I would hope that in some strange metaphysical way, these thoughts have been transposed to my new nephew, Vincent Jeffery Bronk. Born only a few days ago, he entered a world of a loving family, with two great parents, my sister and her husband; and two charming sisters, my other two neices Stephanie and Annika. Vince, at this point, is only aware of the unsaid love that is shared from your new family...and one day will be aware of the love he can receive from other "family" as well.

In the ongoing series about priorities (first article was on Hobbied and appropriately titled "Guilty Pleasures") the hardest priority to get your head around can be, what I refer to as, the Friends and Family priority. The other priorities, as you will see in the next coming months, focus way more on these tangible things you can plan for, or purchase, or dedicate other tangible things to, or time, and see clear results.

People are not like that.

People in your life can go from warm to cold based upon one incident. They can bring you to tears one day, and choke you down with laughter the next. They can surprise you or sometimes be so mundane that it is comforting. But beyond anything else they are important to you and your life. We need people. We need to have that outside factor in our life whether they throw a mirror up to us and help us reflect the good (and the not so good) in our lives. They are there to give consoling words, or a warm hug, when tragedy strikes.

As unpredictable as people can be, of all the priorities, they can offer a feeling and warmth the others get close to, but do not achieve.

To clarify: Friends and Family are so named to give a broad range and scope. Afterall, I would consider my parents family, however as I've gotten older, they're great friends. I have no issue speaking to them candidly about life matters. Likewise, since my brother and sister are much older than I am, I had friends since High School who have been like "little sisters" to me or "twin brothers". I would consider many of those folks family.

Whatever nomenclature you wish to use...the concept is the same...you have people in your life whom you spend time with regularly (even once a year regularly) who can contribute something ethereal to your life that causes you to feel rejvuinated and validated.

My first real close friend ever was Marc Anewenter, co-creator of Kick Butt Productions. The meeting of how I met Marc is still mythical and unfathomable to even myself. My first day of seventh grade, as I started over a new chapter in my life with no close friends or accquaintences, we actually did not go outside for recess. Stuck in our big gym, I entered, alone, slightly afraid, and worried about what would happen next.

Sitting by himself in the middle of the bleachers, at least the length of the gym away from me, was this kid. Again, I cannot explain to you what possessed me to muster up the courage to just walk over to him and begin a conversation with him (think about it to this day...how often do you walk up to a complete stranger and start talking to them just to do it?).

What happened from there was not only amazing, but entertaining. I thought that the gym period would never end. We joked the entire hour. Soon after learning his name was Marc we talked at length about many things we had in common. Marc was my closest friend for the longest time. He was like a brother at times, being able to hear out the tragedies and triumphs of my life, as well as a reflective friend who trusted me enough with his own worries and wishes.

Friends and Family, like Hobbies, are priority that is important because like the others lack of that humanistic warmth can cause disruptions in the other areas. Thus, you need to spend time with folks, you need to e-mail, call, write, etc. even if it's just to say "Hey!" Go and visit people. Call others over and host a get-together. Even the occasional person whom you haven't heard from in years, drop them a line.

My last thought on Friends and Family is probably one of the most challenging to deal with when it comes to people. As much as you can invest in someone in your life, you most also show the strength and compassion to be able to walk away from someone. Not in a rude or mean way, but remember what I said earlier: we are unpredictable creatures. We all change. Sometimes unexpectedly.

In the 12 Steps to Recovery, often used by Alcoholics Anonymous and other related organizations, one of the steps is to refrain from being around those people who remind you of your compulsion/additiction/unhealthy behaviors. This is hard for us to do. Likewise, it's hard to confront a friend when they are hurting you. But that is exactly the moment when you need to say something. Friendships aren't all picnics. Ask any married couple. You've got to work at it. Sometimes that means you eat crow from having said or done something stupid. Sometimes it means you may find a way to change and grow yourself. And, sadly, sometimes it means you walk away until you can find the peace to regrow that connection.

It took me a while to also realize that sometimes even the closest of friendships and relationships can just whither away as time goes on. It's inevitable. Right now you're probably thinking of a Mike Syrakos or a Perry Washington, people whom you wish you knew where they were or wonder how both you of lost contact with each other. For this I reccomend two things:

1. Obviously, if you have a way of finding that friend or family member who you used to connect with, go find them.

2. Sometimes, you can't. That's when you gotta turn to what you got. About three years ago I started a "Friends Only" scrapbook. It doesn't represent any specific time of my life, just a scrapbook of pictures and anecdotes that remind me of my pals throughout my life.

There are always folks out there who are rooting for you. From day one, when you popped out into that cold waiting room, to the day you pass away. Folks smiling when you smile. Take time to be grateful and let them know you will be grateful. Because their love and compassion for you can lift you up to the heavens.

pb